I am stuck in between the infamous rock and hard place.

I am off this weekend, but it’s also my weekend with my child. In fact, I am off until Thanksgiving morning, where I work 6a-10a. A nice, short shift, and while I appreciate the holiday pay, I have to go back in at midnight for a 12a-7a shift, Friday morning.

To say I am displeased with this is a little bit of an understatement. Of course, I work the rest of the month from that point onward.

As my NaNo novel stands (still untitled, as I type this today), I am at roughly 31k words. I need to write something like 2k a day to finish on time. I have taken a break from it because I’m still in this crazy ass writing competition on LiveJournal. A friend threw down a challenge for us to write outside our comfort zones.

I had a great idea for doing just that, but I can’t quite get my brain to wrap around it and put words down on paper. I had a back up story, decided meh, I don’t like doing the same characters two weeks in a row. So of course, earlier today I had a different idea for our topic, “Gauntlet,” which involves Ryan and his universe, and him trying to incite the rest of the human race against the injustices their government has put them through — by lying about a Disease that was artificially created and meant to target those of a certain descent (those with fair skin and light features, like Ryan himself).

It’s a risky move, but Ryan’s ‘verse tends to do well in Idol polls. And honestly, I’m tired. I’m tired of competing. I just want to write my NaNo. I am tired of staring at polls every week and panicking because there’s a part of me that still wants to be in and get past the top 30 and well — I don’t think I’m doing that well, this year.

My writing process has been all over the place; my sleep schedule even more so. I need another 900 words of my NaNo at least for the day before I can call it quits, and honestly, I don’t know if I have it in me. I’m tired. And I started my Idol piece, which isn’t due until Tuesday, but part of me wants to just quit on that, too.

Thing is, I’ve written more words this month total than I have any other month in the past year. February was the only month where I averaged 1k a day. I’m averaging more than that with the words I have from my NaNo alone, and let’s not forget the words I’ve written for my Idol pieces. NaNoWriMo has done an amazing thing, showing me I can still write that 1-2k words a day, even when working. Which has been nice.

But damnit, I really want to win this month, too. I haven’t lost a year since 2012. I need this win. NEED.

I guess I will go back to writing, now.