In a short while I’ll begin working on my Idol entry, but right now, I’m trying to relax a bit. I’m not at home, am trying to figure some shit out for myself, and am limiting contact with my wife in the meantime. 

I did write nearly 1200 words more of Gray Morning today. I have a huge goal of 5+k tomorrow. We’ll see how many I get. I won’t have any distractions so I should be able to get at least 5. At least. Anyway, snippet time:

***

Savin breathed in deeply, offering Jazz his open pack. Jazz shook his head, waving the cigarettes away. Savin frowned and shrugged his shoulder before lighting one for himself. As he took in the first drag, Jazz tightened his arms around his knees. 

“Nothing excuses my behavior, yesterday,” Savin began, forming his words slowly. Pain laced his voice, along with regret. 

“I know,” Jazz breathed, turning his gaze towards Savin. “Believe me, I know.” 

Savin nodded, pursing his lips together before shaking his head. He kept his eyes on his cigarette, rolling it between his fingers. “Then why –” his voice cracked, causing him to clear his throat. “Then why are you still here?”

“I don’t — I don’t know,” Jazz whispered, turning his gaze out towards the Palace gates. The clouds threatened rain above them like they had yesterday, but he knew they still had time. 

Savin managed a half-smile, his shoulders sagging as he shifted his legs, bending one knee and lowering the other. “There’s not an ‘us’ anymore, is there?” he murmured. Jazz snapped his head over to him, his eyes growing wide as Savin’s half-smile grew into an even darker, more desperate smirk. 

“Savin…” Jazz shook his head, tears stinging at his eyes. “Savin, don’t fucking do this — just, don’t –”

“But there isn’t, right?” Savin insisted, his own eyes welling up with tears. “How could you possibly want to be with me after that?”

“I love you,” Jazz said in a rush, lifting his head from his knees. “Savin, I love you –”

“But that’s not enough,” Savin said, shaking his head. “It shouldn’t be enough.”

Jazz bit his lip, effectively swallowing the rest of his words. He knew Savin was right. Knew that love wasn’t enough — not in a situation like this. Not after everything Savin had done. “We can work through this –”

“What if I get worse?” Savin pressed, taking in a shaky breath. “What if I do worse?”

“We can get you help –”

“There’s no help for me,” Savin said, cutting him off. “You need to get out. While you still can — before I — before I –” He sucked on his cigarette, as if it would steady him, make his next words easier to say. “I’m just going to hurt you again.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do know that,” Savin growled, frowning. He released a heavy plume of smoke, his voice wavering as he spoke his next words. “Forget about me, Jazz. I’m not fucking worth it.”

“Isn’t that for me to decide?” Jazz asked, his own voice growing shrill as more tears threatened to spill over. “Savin, I know you — what happened yesterday? That wasn’t you.”

Savin let out a frustrated sigh, gripping his hair tightly in one hand. “Yes, it fucking was,” he spat, giving Jazz a pained glare. “How can you even say that? I nearly — I nearly –” Savin stopped again, taking in a hurried drag of his cigarette, his words becoming more agitated as he spoke. “Can you honestly say you want to stay with me, after that? I could have — I could have killed you, Jazz.” 

A shiver snaked its way down Jazz’s spine as he felt Savin’s hands on his shoulders all over again — felt them move to his neck. How he had thought Savin would inevitably squeeze — how he hadn’t been able to breathe, even if Savin’s fingers only wrapped around his throat loosely. Without thinking, he moved away from Savin. “I don’t know,” he whispered into his knees.

“Didn’t fucking think so,” Savin muttered. Jazz heard the grass shuffle under Savin’s feet as he stood up. “So how can you say there’s still an ‘us’?”

Jazz bit his lip. “I can’t.”

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